Hey, Everett
by Paradoxal Reality
Summary: "Hey, Everett; according to you, there are lots of different worlds... The parallel dimensions will always be parallel." An exploration of the scenario suggested by the Japanese Space Dandy end theme in one shots that cross canon and non-canon, time, space, and perhaps even sanity, itself.
1. I Don't Know What You Expected, Baby

(Disclaimer: I don't own anything but a few fancharacters. Keep it moving, folks.)

* * *

Introduction by the Narrator: I Don't Know What You Expected, Baby

_"Before we get started, I'd like to take a moment to say a few words about expectations. Expectations are a funny thing. They are like elegant lies that we tell to ourselves, things we convince ourselves are true with no merit behind them. When one has expectations, they have set themselves up for either excitement or disappointment._

_If the individual's expectations are exceeded, a state of euphoria ensues. If their expectations are not met, despondency and resentment can quickly take hold._

_For this reason, expectations are some of the most dangerous things in all of known space. Only a few things, such as the long-believed mythical element known as Pyonium, could honestly be judged to be more volatile and potentially hazardous._

_As for myself, I do my best to keep my expectations as low as possible at all times. While some may believe that this fosters a negative point of view, I believe that it inspires optimism. After all, if you have low expectations, they should be exceeded more often than not, shouldn't they?_

_With that being said, I must say that I don't think the few expectations that I have as a professional narrator are too much to have. Stories, no matter how inane, can be gotten through with minimal headaches as long as they have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Characters both interesting or not can be put up with, plot or the lack thereof can be borne through, and atmosphere and pacing can be regarded as optional, so long as the tale being told progresses in a somewhat logical fashion._

_Which of course brings us to Space Dandy._

_To my consternation, it seems that even my minimal expectations are probably far-fetched pipe dreams, born of a delusional mind where Space Dandy is concerned. Why, in all my years of narration, I have never been tasked with anything so ridiculous. This story has no beginning that can be pointed to directly. It has several endings, which don't really fit into any point in the narrative in a way that makes sense with the whole._

_Frankly, it seems to be a tangled wad of middle, spanning multiple dimensions, timelines, and perhaps worst of all, reboots._

_I simply cannot abide reboots! Why of all the... *ahem* I'm sorry, I went off on a bit of a tangent. _

_And now the saga of Space Dandy has taken a new twist: fan fictions. This story, in particular, has committed a grievous crime against literature and storytelling, simply by existing._

_I've been reading ahead, and it looks like even more of the blatant disregard for narrative flow that the series itself has been exhibiting. Be prepared for multiple alternate universes, author headcanon, author headcanon that flies in the face of established canon, jumps in the timeline, ridiculous superstitions, and even less sense than one would typically expect from Space Dandy._

_I'm hoping that my involvement with this mess will be minimal, and that I will be sitting most of this one out with a nice coffee and a piece of coconut cake at this little hole in the fourth wall cafe that I know. I fully expect that this multiverse spanning waste of bandwidth will give me a headache." _


	2. Dying to Live, Baby

(Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Space Dandy characters, I just like playing in their sandbox.)

World: Alpha-BFR

Timeline: Present

* * *

Title: Dying to Live, Baby

A word from the Narrator:

_"A lot can happen in the course of a few seconds, even for living things. For a mechanical mind, however, a few seconds can be an eternity. And tremendous things can happen in an eternity. And there is no longer eternity than the precious seconds that mark the end of life. A robot is about to discover just how much can change in the course of a few seconds, in a warzone that was previously a landfill for sentient machines, called Dream Island." _

"D-d-don't...!

QT's broken voice modulator stuttered and distorted the word, dragging it out into a staccato series of sound waves that was almost unrecognized. He'd failed. Register and the rest of Dream Island's embittered residents had thrown him aside like an empty drink can.

An image of a can of Nectar appeared in the small bot's memory. The blue and orange can, obviously a memory malfunction, suddenly seemed to represent everything wrong with robots. Like the coffee maker QT had admired, it was made to serve a simple purpose, and was almost flawless in its uncomplicated design. A pristine, new creation, made to serve that purpose for the convenience of living beings... and then to be discarded.

QT's visual sensors glitched again as he reached after the retreating form of the murderous amalgamation of robots that was now breaching the island's walls.

It was unfair. He had discovered the hyper-affection function known as Love. He had willingly set aside his own feelings to try and save the one his beloved cared for... and yet this was how he would cease function? In a rusting pile of garbage, while Toaster and those other radicals declared war on living beings?

Another memory glitch interfered with the vacuum bot's visual sensors, this time it was a brilliant pink hibiscus flower. Where had he seen that? Or was it when? No matter, these malfunctions were not things that could be rationalized.

Wasteful, the dying robot thought to himself, contemptuously. All that energy, pushed into the service of a "pretty" appearance that would wither in a few short days. So inefficient, so ridiculous. Living things were so disgustingly wasteful.

And yet...

A dim little spark buried deep within the cleaning bot trembled. Didn't they do well, though? Didn't those inefficient, wasteful creatures excel at finding niches, taking advantage of the inefficiencies of others of their ilk and indeed, of the universe itself? An image of a fat earth bee, attracted by the bright colors and scent of the blossom to do the actual work that was pollination, appeared in QT's mechanical mind.

Didn't they flourish in places where they had no reasonable right to be? Eking out existences on hostile, even toxic planets?

And why? Why? If you asked them, the best answer they could often give was "why not?"

It was maddening. It was... oddly glorious.

It was what sentient machines really wanted, wasn't it? In the distance, a fireball erupted as the mega-mech slashed an assault vehicle out of the air.

QT stared, willing his failing vision to strengthen. Living eccentricity was what all sentient machines craved. Emotions, imaginations, hobbies, fun...

The light faded from QT's screen, and he did a very human, wasteful thing. He wished, with all his might, on a falling star, that he could have a chance to drink a cup of coffee made by Maker.

Then the falling shard of Pyonium struck.


	3. You Gotta Rate Your Priorities, Baby

(Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Space Dandy characters, I just like playing in their sandbox.)

World: Sixty-Three

Timeline: Last Tuesday

* * *

Title: You Gotta Rate Your Priorities, Baby

A word from the Narrator:

_"One of the basic laws of any universe is that if there is an action, there will be an equal and opposite reaction. It should be noted that there is a similar law stating that for every individual, there is an opposing gender counterpart._

_Surely you can guess where this is going._

_Let's check in with our opposite-gendered heros.. er.. heroines, as Space Dandi faces a problem of epic proportions."_

Dandi's finely-sculpted eyebrows twitched in annoyance as she stared down her reflection. With a finely-nuanced flourish, she whipped the styling pick through the infinitesimal glob of styling pomade that she'd applied to her scalp.

Not too much, not too little.

And still the artfully-crafted wave of hair half-collapsed in on itself, unable to support its own weight.

Dandi groaned and moved to wash the useless gel out. "No doubt about it, I need a haircut. Damn."

The tall, dark-haired woman slouched her way to the cockpit of the yellow ship, collapsing into the pilot's seat. The large cat-like creature sitting in the co-pilot's seat glanced up from her tablet and frowned.

"What's your problem?"

Dandi poked at her uncooperative bangs, pouting slightly at the mass of messy dark hair. "I gotta get a haircut."

"You humans and your ridiculous head fur," Mew sighed, giving her own fur a quick grooming. "Why you have hair there and nowhere else is beyond me."

Dandi's mouth twitched for a moment before the woman growled "At least we don't cough up hair balls." Mew arched a whiskery brow at the comment, but only replied with a dismissive flick of her tail.

"Hey QT, got any leads for me on a stylist, babe?" Dandi called to the small bot at the tactical station. The deep-voiced robot groaned in consternation before turning to face her troublesome master.

"It would be very nice if you would just find a stylist and stick with them! Or at least, you could restrain yourself from causing so much random destruction when you're unhappy with their efforts. Most of the stylist network knows you by reputation now, and won't even return our calls!"

Dandi slumped in her seat, arms crossed in a childish sulk. "They shouldn't take on a duty as serious as styling hair if they can't deal with dissatisfied customers." The dark-haired woman straightened, jabbing her feline companion in the arm with an insistent finger. "D'ya know, they actually say 'Oh don't worry, it'll grow back' If they screw up?! They do! Then they still expect to be paid for butchering you!"

QT's gravelly contralto interrupted with a sigh. "It did grow back, Dandi."

"Not the point!" The human exclaimed, standing and pointing a defiant finger at the cosmos outside.

"The point is that it's a sacred trust to go to a stylist! 90% of your self-confidence comes from your appearance, and if that's gone, then you're at 10%! A measly 10%! When you've been maligned by a bad haircut, it doesn't just go away! It takes months to grow out, but the psychological scars never really leave!"

The woman collapsed to her knees, head bowed against her chest as though suffering some horrific inner torment that could be the subject of an award-winning fictionalized motion picture.

Mew gave the speech a slow clap, yawning. "Whatever. Wanna go to Pec's?"

Dandi balled her hands into fists and growled. "How can you think of Testosteraunts when I'm standing here all a mess?!"

Mew flashed her fangs in a wicked grin at the ship's scandalized captain. "_I'm_ not a mess. I'll give your regards to what's his name."

"Absolutely not!" Dandi fumed. "I'm not leaving that poor, innocent, gorgeous man to your freeloading, perverted.. "

"Fine, fine," Mew sighed, waving a small gray paw at the furious Dandi. "He can't be THAT innocent though. Look where he works."

Dandi stalked over to snarl in the Betelgeusean's face. "You just stay away from my precious Honey-pie!"

Mew's only reply was a snorting giggle, which seemed to placate Dandi for the moment.

QT's deep voice interrupted the teasing with a victorious cry. "Found one! Dandi, you have an appointment in Compallasar this afternoon for a trim and style!"

As an afterthought, the robot added "Please, please, please do not scar this one for life?"

Dandi grinned, dropping into her seat and calling up their course. "I give what I'm given! Why so far, though?"

QT gave a grunt of robotic annoyance. "No one else will have you."

Mew looked thoughtful for a moment, then clicked over to the browser tab on her tablet that was open to her Space•Twittergram account. Silently, she typed in a status update.

'Finally understand QT and Dandi's relationship: resignation to the inevitable.'

The small shop that QT lead Dandi and Mew to appeared abandoned, but the door was open.

"Are you sure this is the right place?" Dandi asked, kicking lightly at the crumbling front counter.

"This is the correct address," confirmed QT, cautiously rolling forward to examine the clean but decrepit styling chair.

"Just a minute!"

The trio jumped at the new voice, which called down to them from the rafters. A long-bodied mammalian creature, covered in a combination of fur and scales, slither-climbed down to greet them.

The creature was mostly snake-like in form. Short black fur covered its back and face, while smoky gray scales dominated the neck and belly of the creature. Two long, short-furred arms ending in delicate-fingered scaly hands extended from the thing's thin shoulders. Long, razor-sharp claws clicked at the ends of its fingers. Its head was tapered, and almost rodent-like.

"Now I do apologize for the shop," the strange creature began, demurely. "I'm just starting out and can't afford much, you see." The strange creature slithered over to Dandi, winding up her leg to pull itself onto her shoulder. "Now, you were just wanting a trim, or..?"

Dandi shrieked, dodging the long claws that were reaching towards her precious hair. Mew dropped to all fours, bobbing her head as she looked for an opening to jump in and grab the alien. QT readied her vacuum arms and grabbed at the writhing creature that was now coiled around Dandi's shoulders, swiping at the woman's head.

"Done!"

The alien dropped to the ground, coiling itself into a ball and raising its upper body so that it could stare Dandi in the face. The confused women stared back, belatedly noticing the bits of dark hair falling around her shoulders.

With a cry, Dandi raced to the closest mirror, and gasped.

"It- It's perfect!"

"Aren't you concerned that there's an unregistered alien right in front of us?!" QT complained, earning a laugh from Dandi.

"Is that all you think about, QT?! Look at this! I've got an expert-level cut and style, and in seconds!"

"Overrated," Mew sighed, snapping a bored selfie.


	4. No Escape from the Red Terror, Baby

(Disclaimer: I don't own Space Dandy, I just enjoy torturing the crew.)

World: Casslerock

Timeline: Present

Title: No Escape from the Red Terror, Baby

* * *

A word from the Narrator:

_"The universe is a vast place, full of unimaginable wonders. Sometimes these wonders are benign delights that serve to amaze and amuse. However, at times these wonders take a more sinister form. The ability to detect the supernatural and discern the malicious from the mild is an art, and one that requires a great deal of insight and a healthy amount of caution. Unfortunately for Space Dandy, he hasn't either of these virtues, and will find himself paying dearly."_

Dandy poked at a few of the knickknacks on the dusty antique store shelf with a disinterested glare. QT was apologizing to the proprietress, an elderly Hyderaal, for the group bursting in so suddenly and causing an embarrassing amount of destruction. The ancient female turned a frill-scaled sneer at the robot's heartfelt pleas, opting instead to criticize Meow and his increasingly desperate attempts to escape the situation Dandy had flung him into.

The Aloha Oe's crew had believed that they spotted an unknown alien through the shop window. Instead, to the trio's embarrassment, it had been a rather artistic coat rack that Dandy had launched Meow into like a feline projectile.

The Betelgeusean was still trying to disentangle himself from the many looping curls of hand-shaped ironwood that comprised the rack, without much success.

"Dandy," QT whispered as the snake-like old woman moved to help separate Meow from her merchandise.

"What?" The human was bored out of his mind. They had been here for twenty minutes, and he was beyond ready to head to Boobies and drown his frustration in something with a grotesquely high ABV rating. This place was a mausoleum of trinkets and trash, pieces of the lives of people he neither knew nor cared about. "Are we ready to go yet? This place is stone cold boring, baby."

The robot ignored Dandy's complaining tone to insist "You know, you made a big mess in this lady's store, the least you could do is buy something! It's only polite! Although I'm not sure how large a purchase is required to make up for all the damage. Oh my... all this glass!" The yellow bot deployed his vacuum arms and began cleaning up the remains of the shattered window.

Dandy rolled his eyes, intending to retort that it had been the lazy, freeloading cat who'd made the mess with his thrashing, unwieldy body, but something on the nearby wall caught his eye. Maybe this place wouldn't be a total waste of time, after all. With a winning grin, he turned towards their unwilling hostess.

"Hey Granny, let me take a look at that tiki on the wall."

The old woman raised her long, gray-purple neck to regard him curiously from where the attempt to rescue her remaining merchandise was going on. "Tiki?" she queried, confused.

Dandy hooked a thumb over his shoulder at the carved wooden relief that was hung above the cash register wall, leering out from between old signs for defunct restaurants and amateur paintings in cobbled-together frames. It appeared to be a large, grinning face, with a small, almost disfigured body below. It was perfect for his ship.

"Yeah, the tiki god up there. Lemme see it."

The Hyderaal craned her head to see what he was describing, and scoffed when she discovered the item indicated. "No, no that is not good for you. You'll buy this nice coat rack instead, eh? Much better. Less trouble. Perfect for storing the rest of your crew, too."

Meow finally heaved himself free of the tangled wooden vines with a relieved sigh, slumping over on the floor next to the woman. "Oh man... I gotta drop some weight. Of course, it would have been nice if some certain crew members had helped me out. Thanks for nothing, guys!"

QT muttered an apology as he emptied his dustbin of dirt and broken glass, which seemed to appease Meow slightly.

Dandy ignored the cat-like alien's complaining. He was working the art of the deal, turning up the charm to eleven in his quest for the prize tiki relief. "C'mon, Granny. I could take that scary thing off your hands. Y'know, they have spiritual powers. Bad luck to have them this far from their familiar environment. Without the sea and the shore, a tiki god is bound to get upset. Better let me take it back where it belongs."

The old shopkeeper curled her scaly lip in a disbelieving sneer. "Bad luck? Yes, bad luck indeed. Not selling that one. It's too much for someone like you. Not a chance."

Before QT could suggest they collect their crew member and leave, Dandy had jumped atop the sales counter and was pulling the ghoulishly grinning face from the wall. Meow flinched at the sight of the object of Dandy's interest. Maybe he was just overly-imaginative, but he found himself repulsed at the enormous square teeth and the hollowed-out eyes of the object. It was like a strange, flat skull. Why is the world would anyone want such a creepy thing?

"Hey, it's a mirror!" Dandy shouted, thrilled with the discovery. The human took a moment to check himself out in the reflective surface that had been hidden against the wall. "Hmmm... yeah! Looking good! Okay Granny, you gotta sell me this tiki mirror. Let's say... 100 woolongs. Generous, right?"

The Hyderaal looked stunned as she regarded the brash human who was standing atop her sales counter. When he pressed the money into her hands, she backed away. "You have purchased it," she whispered, making a sign of protection with her long-nailed hands. "Woe unto you for your foolishness."

"Whatever," Dandy replied, breezing out of the store through the gaping hole in the front window with his new possession. QT and Meow hurried to follow as the dark-haired man turned his long-legged stride towards the docking bay where they'd left their ship.

"I don't like that thing", Meow muttered aloud a few days later. He and QT were both in the common room, idly passing the time as the bright yellow ship cruised through space towards the closest Boobies. QT turned so that he could observe the wooden hand mirror, which Dandy had mounted to the wall in the lounge near the souvenir shelf. It was turned so that the ghastly carved face grinned mindlessly out at them.

"How so? I mean, sure it's kind of creepy looking, but it's just a weird mirror. Just another piece of tourist trap decor, really. Dandy has such terrible taste."

Meow frowned, seemingly hesitant to explain himself. "I dunno, it just creeps me, okay? Why would Dandy want such a scary thing?"

QT busied himself with tidying up the area around the Betelgeusean. Discarded snack wrappers and empty drink cans disappeared quickly as the little yellow bot worked. The cat-like alien seemed content to stare distrustfully up at the tiki until QT finished.

"Hey... you don't think Dandy was serious about that thing being alive or having spiritual energy or whatever, do you?" Meow asked softly, as though he was afraid the mirror might overhear.

"Ridiculous," QT retorted, shooing the lazy Betelgeusean away so that the sofa cushions could be cleaned next. "There is no such thing as spiritual energy."

Despite his crew's distaste, Dandy was thrilled with his new purchase. He often stopped two or three times a day in the lounge area just to admire the detail in the carving. At least four times a day, he would take the mirror down to admire his reflection in the glass. What a unique item, he congratulated himself. And he reminded himself several times a day for the first few days that he was a shrewd, sexy bargain hunter as well as a shrewd, sexy alien hunter.

Though Meow's initial complaints had been loud and rather whiny, eventually he stopped objecting to or indeed even noticing the carved figure that hung over the lounge area. QT himself tended to only think of the thing when Dandy had it in hand. Eventually, it faded from conscious notice altogether, like the ever-present issues of adult magazines that Meow and Dandy himself seemed so fond of. At last, even Dandy only checked the mirror by habit, though. New Boobies locations and an ever-increasing failure rate at his chosen profession took up most of his time.

And so, a full three months after he had made his strange purchase, it was to Dandy's complete surprise that he found the mirror in his room one morning. Deciding that QT must have gotten tired of having to reach to clean the thing, he shrugged and picked the item up. It would be a quick job to find a spot to hang it up in his room. But first, maybe he should take a look at that oh-so-sexy man who called himself Space Dandy?

And that was when he saw it, glaring out from the reflection of his face in the surface of the mirror.

Red.

The girlish scream that the man issued brought his crewmates running, QT holding a mop and Meow brandishing a bright yellow plastic sword, which the still-attached cardboard backing revealed as a piece of memorabilia from a children's telebroadcast program.

"Dandy?"

"What's wrong?!"

The mirror lay face down on the floor, sightless carved eyes leering up at the ceiling. Dandy himself had scrambled to the far corner of the room and stared in terror at the item, his breathing harsh and erratic.

"Dandy?" QT rolled cautiously into the room, prodding the terror-stricken human as Meow paused to pick up the fallen mirror.

"D-Don't! I can't!" The man flung himself face-down on the small loveseat, arms over his head as the curious Betelgeusean turned the hand mirror over to check for broken glass.

"Dandy, what's wrong?"

"R-Red... In the mirror! There was..!"

Meow wasn't paying any attention to Dandy's muffled blabbering, he was staring in amazement at the pristine surface of the looking glass. "Lucky," he finally announced, holding the object out to the man as he hesitantly looked up. "Check it out! Not even a crack!"

Dandy's face paled as he caught sight of his reflection in the glass. Frantically, he scrambled back from Meow, hiding behind the hastily grabbed tiger rug.

"Go! Get away!" Dandy cried, face hidden anew from the duo as though a specter of death loomed over them.

"Are you sure you're alright?" QT pressed, attempting to raise the man upright for examination. "You seem kind of... flinchy."

"GO AWAY!"

The perplexed crew members glanced at each other and gave a shrug before withdrawing from the room. Only after he heard the door slide shut did Dandy dare raise his face to look around. It was safe. No one was here. No one but the grinning face of the tiki mirror that Meow had left sitting on the floor. Dandy shuddered at the sight of the thing, dread filling his person as he recalled the gruesome image he had seen before.

He didn't want to look. But he had to. Or rather, he couldn't help but look, his hand reaching for the item without his consent as he emitted a soft, terrified whine of protest. His hand gripped the handle, and the image of the grinning face rotated away to produce the reflective surface. For a moment, his own frightened face stared back at him. And then... RED.

Dandy flung the mirror away, leaping to his feet and running from the room. He bowled over QT and Meow, who were standing in the hall discussing his erratic behavior. Launching himself into the small washroom, Dandy stuck his head under the sink, letting cool water wash over his head. Slowly, he raised his face to the mirror over the sink.

As the baffled robot and Betelgeusean watched from the doorway, the man stared at his face as though terribly afraid that something was going to come bursting out of it.

"Dandy?"

"Dude, what the heck?"

Dandy laughed a little hysterically, reaching to shut the water off as he wiped at his face with a towel. "N-Nothing guys. It's nothing. I just... heh... it's funny really. I thought I saw something."

Meow crossed his arms, giving the dripping man a look of complete disbelief. "Thought you saw something? Like what?"

Dandy grinned, hooking a thumb at the image of the soaked man in the mirror. "Oh, it was a-" He quickly glanced back over his shoulder at his reflection, and let himself grin. "It was nothing. Just a figment of the ol' imagination. What do you guys say we take a break, huh? QT, point us towards Boobies."

The Betelgeusean cheered, instantly forgetting the odd behavior. QT eyed the human skeptically, though. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"Perfectly Dandy, baby. Now let's get ourselves some Boobies goodness!"

"Yeah, let's go!" Meow echoed, running for the cockpit. "Last one drunk is a rotten sonnavafell!"

Dandy grinned and raced after the cat-alien, leaving QT to grumble at the odd behavior. "Something isn't right, here."

Boobies was, as the chain's motto claimed, bouncing. An enormous spectrum of alien life forms crowded the bar, enjoying the diluted alcohol as much as they enjoyed the perky waitresses.

"Window seats! Score!" Dandy cried, leaping into the booth with glee. "We've got the best view of space with boobs of every..." The man's voice trailed off, prompting QT and Meow to glance over. Dandy stared out the large window for a moment before firmly turning his back on the glass with a shudder.

"What happened to 'the best view of space'? Spot someone we owe money to?" QT quipped, prompting Meow to laugh nervously.

"Why waste your time looking at space when the real stars are in here?"

"Hey, Dandy! Great timing!"

"Just how many of these restaurants does Miss Honey work at?" QT asked no one in particular as the blonde woman approached.

"Thanks for visiting us during our anniversary! Here are your complimentary nebular hurricanes!" With a grin, the blonde placed tall, multicolored frozen drinks in front of the crew before tucking her tray under a nearly-bare arm. "So, can I get you guys something to eat?"

Dandy grinned broadly at the woman, then flinched. The reflective metal surface of her serving tray was angled in his direction. He stared at his mirrored image, fearful and transfixed. His hands reached up, and hesitated as though he was afraid to touch his own face. With a yelp of terror, the dark-haired man sprang to his feet.

A... Aghhhh!"

"Dandy?"

"Dude, what the heck..?"

"Whoa! Dandy! What's wrong!?"

The alien hunter vaulted over the side of their booth, running full-tilt for the crowded restaurant exit. QT bounced onto his wheels and gave chase, leaving Meow to throw back his frosty free drink before joining the pursuit with a complaining yelp.

"Oh man... brainfreeze! Wait up, you guys!"

Honey stared after the retreating trio, baffled. "Um... Come back soon?"

Meow and QT scrambled aboard the Aloha Oe, but saw no sign of their missing companion. The ship's lighting was still set for 'standby', giving the familiar surroundings a shadowy, almost sinister appearance. The robot and Betelgeusean cautiously pulled up the lights and began searching the eerily silent spaceship.

"Dandy?" QT called as he and a reluctant Meow searched the too-quiet vessel. "Where could he be?"

"I dunno, but he's gonna pay for this brainfreeze headache."

The robot displayed a smirky expression on his faceplate. "Isn't that your fault for gulping down that much icy alcohol in one go?"

"Dude, you're suggesting just going off and leaving free booze? Get your priorities straight, QT!"

A soft cry silenced the duo's banter, drawing them to the ship's small bathroom, where they hesitated.

"Dandy? Are you okay?"

"Groan once if you're fine, twice if you'd prefer we didn't come in there!" Meow put in, earning a dirty look from the robot.

"It's too late... It's... It's over, baby!"

QT reached for the door panel, face display set on 'determined'. "Dandy, we're coming in!"

The door swished open, revealing Dandy, slumped over against the bulkhead next to the sink. The man didn't move as they approached.

"Dandy! Dandy, speak to us!" QT cried, rolling over to prod at the shivering, silent figure. "What's the matter? What's over?"

Dandy's voice seemed to come from a place of terrible torment as he spoke. "It's me. I'm over. I'm..." The man raised his face slowly, dark eyes unfocused and haunted as he looked up. "Don't you see? Can't you see it?"

Meow leaned over QT's bulk to squint at the human. "See what? You, acting like a nut job?"

The man's eyes seemed to focus at that, and he opened his mouth to reply. The shiny surface of QT's faceplate caught his attention, however, rendering him into a stuttering, horrified mess all over again. His brown eyes widened, and he pressed himself against the wall as though a Terrala Ultraspider had crawled out from one of the robot's metal seams.

Meow craned his head to stare back and forth between Dandy and QT. "Okay, so are you going to tell us what's going on? Because I'm terrible at guessing games."

Dandy shoved his crew aside, scrambling to his feet and standing in front of the bathroom mirror. The dark-haired man shook in horror, transfixed by something that the robot and Meow could not see. As they watched, Dandy whimpered, hands covering his face as he fought the urge to wail.

"What's wrong? Dandy, please talk to me!" QT cried, grabbing the man by the arm and shaking him lightly.

"Red!" Dandy wailed, "The mirror! The old lady was right!"

Meow ran over to stare into the mirror next to the human, only to shout "I don't see anything!" to be heard over the noise Dandy was making.

At last, the man pulled his hands away from his face, pointing at himself in repulsed terror. "Look! Don't you see it!?"

The Betelgeusean and the robot leaned in close and stared, only to shrug cluelessly.

"I don't see anything unusual," QT announced. Meow nodded in agreement as the human dragged himself back to stare in horror at something only he could see in the reflection of his image in the bathroom mirror. "You can't...? You mean only I can see this?"

Back in Dandy's room, the grinning face of the tiki mirror smirked as the man's voice cried out in anguish. "I HAVE PHANTOM ZITS!?"


	5. You've Gotta Advertise, Baby

(Disclaimer: I don't own Space Dandy, I just enjoy torturing the crew.)

World: Machina

Timeline: Six Months Ago

Title: To Make the Sale You've Gotta Advertise, Baby

* * *

A word from the Narrator:

_"The universe is an infinite place, where everything and anything is possible. There are universes upon universes upon universes, where every possible scenario is described and acted out. These layers of the whole, the 'multiverse', if you will, sometimes feature scenarios that manage to be both mundanely typical and utterly, surprisingly alien. This particular world is one of those. At first glance, it might appear as familiar as a Saturday evening late-night cartoon. When one stops to take in the details, it becomes apparent that something altogether strange has happened, though._

_Personally, I find it creepy."_

QT hummed softly to himself, considering the advertisement playing on the shop front viewer. There were certainly some excellent deals going on during the holiday weekend. The age-old quandry of the consumer raged in the robot's electronic brain. Was it better to space out his purchases so that the ship was not unduly crowded with as-yet unneeded supplies? Or would it be better to make the more economical decision and take advantage of the savings that could be had? Of course, being laden down with more mass would alter the ship's fuel economy, and fuel was on the expensive side just now...

Behind the little yellow bot, Dandy waited impatiently, making some complaining noises about the delay. QT waved the bored human off. This was a serious decision, and it needed his full attention. Maybe..? Yes. He would compromise and purchase more of their commonly-consumed supplies now. The savings should offset the added expenses in fuel by a very acceptable margin. Dandy made a sour face as the yellow robot turned to inform the human of his decision. Every fiber of the dark-haired man's body seemed to scream "I DON'T EVEN CARE!"

"This effects you too, Dandy!" QT scolded as he crossed his extension arms. "And don't give me that look. Your attitude could use some adjustment!" So saying, the little bot turned and lead the way into the store.

"Take a flyer!" A cheerful pink and white sales-maker bot greeted them as they entered. "Today's special prices are printed on the front, and we have a coupon for our current customers on the back!"

The cash register spoke up, putting in a greeting to the duo. "If it's not our favorite customers! Welcome back!"

QT laughed at the comment, appreciative of the recognition even if he was embarrassed that they had gained it through paying for things that his curious human companion broke or overturned. "Thank you! Um, I was hoping we could load up on some food. I see you have a good price today on some of Dandy's favorites. You know how finicky he can be."

Register chuckled his agreement as Sales-Maker grinned from alongside him on the counter. The little pink bot scanned a bored Dandy speculatively. "So how are things with Dandy, lately? We haven't had any excitement around here since the last time you guys were in!"

QT sighed, turning to regard the grouchy human, who'd taken to ignoring the lot of them and their prattle. "Oh, he's mostly the same as he ever was. You know Dandy, he's always getting into something."

As if to demonstrate, Dandy wandered away to stare into the tanks of colorful creatures for sale. QT wrung his wrists fretfully as he made a confession to the shop staff. "I'm actually a little worried about him. He's so moody recently! Nothing seems to hold his interest, and he tends to seem unengaged most of the time. It's not healthy, is it? I'll have to admit, I'm not expert on human behavior, but it seems really off."

"Well," a thoughtful Maker ventured, "Perhaps he just needs something that would stimulate his mind? How is he with puzzles?"

QT groaned, placing a metal hand over his blue faceplate. "Don't ask me what happened with the last one, please. I'm still trying to delete the memory."

The pink and white robot frowned, tapping her aqua faceplate as she processed the possibilities. "What if it was something more active than that? Something that could break him out of his routine? Does Dandy have many friends?" When the yellow robot replied in the emphatic negative, Maker brightened. "That's definitely an idea, then! What do you say we look around the store? We might find someone he'd get along with! Oh! Or maybe he already has!"

QT turned just in time to watch as Dandy ogled some Selaa females nearby. "I don't think I can approve of Dandy spending time with females. I'd prefer something less noisy and disgusting, if we really are going to try and find him a companion."

The salesbot flashed a winning preprogrammed smile on her faceplate and reached for the mobility cart that allowed her to move around the store. Once settled, she pulled QT along past Dandy, stopping in front of a large enclosed tank that appeared to have something resembling a pile of laundry in it.

"Think a little further outside the x/y axis, QT! What about this one? We've been trying to place him for a while, and he's actually one of our specials today! As a bonus since you're such good customers, I'll give you a free trial period to see if he'll work out for you."

Inside the observation tank, the mysterious creature unfolded and uncoiled itself, revealing a sleep-dazed Betelgeusean. QT watched as the lazy creature curiously approached the side of the tank to sniff at them. Well, it was an idea. Perhaps not the best one he'd ever processed, but an idea.

The yellow bot stared at the pet skeptically. "I don't know, he's all... slinky! Seems kind of dull, too."

The nonplussed cat-like creature yawned spectacularly, eyeing the robots with what could almost pass for a glare. It was impressive how nearly intentional the behavior seemed.

QT speculated, mostly to himself, as Maker listened. "I mean, Dandy can be intriguing, sometimes he can almost make me think he's intelligent, but this one doesn't seem all that sharp. And really, I'm not sure that I can handle TWO pets. Just the one human is a lot more work than I'd expected!"

Dandy wandered over to peer in at the pet watching from inside the observation tank. As QT and Maker watched, the human reached out a hand to lean on the side as he made a grimacing snarl at the Betelgeusean. The cat creature bounced up on its back legs and batted at the tank wall, swishing its tail in playful agitation as it slapped at the spot where the man's appendage had rested. Startled, Dandy fell back in a heap on his backside.

"We'll, you certainly wouldn't want another one that would be more intelligent than he is," the shopkeeper mused as the human jumped up at smack back at the tank side. From inside the tank, the long-tailed alien jumped to bat at each spot that the human touched. The Betelgeusean seemed to find it great fun, but Dandy was becoming agitated. QT gave a long-suffering groan. "I'm not sure Dandy even counts as intelligent most of the time, but point taken."

Hearing his name, the human paused in pulling at the sleeves of his jacket, looking up at QT with an almost curious expression. His robotic owner interceeded to rescue the clothing, earning a giggle from Maker.

"It's so cute how so many robots like their pets to wear clothing. I never would have thought you the type before we met, QT." As the cleaner babbled excuses about his apparently odd habit, the other robot displayed a knowing grin on her display. "It's not all that weird. In fact, it's pretty popular to dress living things and take them around with you. Let's get back to business, though. I'll give you today's advertised price if you decide to keep this fellow after the trial," the salesbot hedged, waving at the cat-like creature that was now watching them intently, probably anticipating a treat of some sort. "What do you say?"

QT stared up at the Betelgeusean, considering his budget as well as his living companion's quality of life. Maybe a trial would be just the thing to see if this 'friend' idea had any merit without making a serious commitment to it. "Well.. I suppose that sounds alright. I don't make any promises, though."

Maker gave a cheer, moving to collect their order and arrange transport of their new 'crew member'. As he and Dandy waited for the paperwork to be delivered, QT reached to straighten Dandy's sleeves. The human looked back and forth between his robotic owner and the curious new creature that had caught his attention.

"Sometimes," QT sighed to his companion, "I wonder what it would be like if you flesh-creatures were intelligent enough to speak. What sorts of conversations would we have? Science? Philosophy?"

Dandy, spotting the Selaa females once again, abruptly began to preen; making the little robot groan in consternation. "Surely you'd have more on your mind than females and food! Honestly!"


End file.
